I am meant to have my first baby in 6 days. Yup, in 6 days I will push, pull, and possibly poop my way into motherhood. Yup, you heard right...poop. This is not something they advertise in such incredible classics as: Look Who's Talking 1 &2, Nine Months or Oscar robbed 1988 Kevin Bacon masterpiece, She's Having a Baby.
Nope, no director chooses to share the realities of what really happens in the birthing room, it doesn't sell tickets. They also fail to show that your baby will most likely come out with a cone head, giant balls and or labia and other such non-cute afflictions, the result of a uterus contracting you out of a birth canal. Thank god this is not a journey we can remember. Could you imagine? Picture it , Sicily 1947...wait sorry, wrong blog, that's my Ode to Patrillo Blog that I haven't quite started.
Ok, picture it, you're 30 and if you don't squeeze yourself out of a Rhino's ass you'll die. That is pretty much the equivalent of what's about to happen to this tiny little baby inside of me. I am simply the vessel; a rhino's ass.
So needless to say, the anticipation is killing me but it's not a bad anticipation. Anyone who has done this knows that it's an exciting and thrilling anticipation but honestly, you would HAVE to be lying if you didn't admit that shitting the bed, contractions, baby through birth canal, placenta action and stiches didn't freak you out just a little bit. Regardless, there's no turning back now, which is part of the calm. It's been happening forever and will continue to happen long after I have children but in the meantime, I am writing this blog over the next twelve months in order to learn how to cook my way through Julia Child's cookbook. Just kidding (I bet that's the most overused blog joke of all time) I will be taking myself and you through the first 12 months of motherhood. So here we go, welcome to "From Titties to Teats: A humourous look at the first year of motherhood", as told by Larissa Ann Primeau.
Loves it!
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