Overdue

Ok, there are a few things that are ok being overdue. For example, it's ok if a library book is overdue. It's .25 cents a day and it's really not going to break you, unless it's a library book from the University of Western library in which case they bend you over and threaten to not give you your degree but then they do and it's your first "real world lesson" that most people are full of shit. Apologies are also things that can be "overdue". For example, I once put a fake phone number on a parked car I had backed into. Then I saw the woman come to her windshield and call that fake number. That is someone who probably deserves an apology from me, long overdue. Something that should most definitely not be overdue is a baby, more specifically, your first baby. Why? Well basically for a month before you push the aforementioned human out of your vajooj, you think it's going to come, and you play the actual delivery over and over and over and over in your mind. As much as you try not to, it just keeps sneaking back in; slipping, squishing, oozing and grossing its way back in. So then the day comes, and the baby doesn't. Ok, no biggie, maybe tomorrow. Ok, still no biggie, maybe the next day. What didn't come? Ok well nothing you can do about it, maybe the next day. Woops, didn't come that day either. So now you start listening to people's tricks about inducing labour. Eat some spicy food. Sure no problem, the fact that I've been constipated for the last 5 days is probably an indication that spicy food isn't going to feel that good but what the hell, eating is the one thing that a pregnant woman is really good at. So FYI, eating spicy food with 5 days of constipation under your bloated belt is as good of an idea as sleeping with Adam Giambrone. God, that's a night I'll never get back. Take it from me, you don't want to ride that rocket.
Then there's the sex option for inducing labour because every girl wants to get down with the get down when she's a) constipated and b) packing a torpedo that hangs over your bits required for labour inducing sex but you know what, let's do it. Take me upstairs and induce the hell out of me. Remember losing your virginity? More awkward. Anyhow, enough about 9 month pregnant sex, I'm not here to give you AMAZING visuals of me and Will. The point is, we can build an ear in a petri dish but we are still unable to determine the exact date a baby comes into this world. So baby, I love you, but get out. This is housekeeping and you've missed your check out time.