Dexter just turned 11 months old. Are you kidding me? What the hell is going on? He's doing great, nearly walking and learning quickly how to make a dirty gin martini for Mommy.
Here's something they don't tell you in pre-natal class, even though you're done breastfeeding,( I've been done for about 3 months) you still have some leftovers in there. Not quite the same as Thanksgiving leftovers, doesn't taste as nice on a sandwich. Your boobs really do take a beating after you've had a baby. I mean, we all hear (before we get pregnant) that they change and all that, but I really think we all think we'll be different. "Oh, I'll get my body back right away", we think quietly to ourselves. "My boobs will just get right back to their former glory." These subtle thoughts lurk in the back of all of our minds , pre-baby, right? I mean look at Gisele Bunchen or Brooke Burke or JLo. They're all just regular women and look at them. Right back to good in 3 months or under. That's going to be me. I'm here to tell you it's not. Listen, you get your body back, but it's a bit of a softer version. Genetics play a part in it of course, and I'm pretty lucky, I feel like I've done ok considering I haven't really done much exercise. Maybe you'll get super lucky and your body will be exactly the same, and maybe monkeys might really fly out of Mike Myers butt. Don't get too upset, things aren't too drastic. I mean you won't be able to touch your bellybutton with your (can't wait for that!)but lets just say that the girls become slightly dough-ier than they once were. Simply not as firm. When you first stop breast feeding your actual nipples are kind of funny too but I don't want to ruin the surprise for some of you so I won't reveal that amazing secret. And as for your belly, it obviously goes down but the fact is, your skin has stretched so much, it's pretty hard to get it back, unless you get some Goslin-surgery. Sit-ups and exercise and diet help but how do you reverse stretching skin? If anyone knows, please share it and if you're one of those people who got their flat stomach back pretty quickly, shut up and get a paper cut. I should probably care more, but I honestly don't. I refuse to stop eating cheese and that's that. Anyhow, I'm off to eat some curds. Cheese curds.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Please don't sue
A few blogs back I mentioned that for a few months, late last year, I was the spokesperson for a large company that sells baby product. I have to be careful what I say so I'll tell you that the name of the aforementioned company rhymes with Scabies R' Pus. It's true! I was paid to fly around Canada, go on Breakfast Television in the major cities, and be one of those buffoons who carries on (at way too early in the morning) about some idiot crap no one cares about. In this case, it was baby crap. I took the gig because, well, the money was decent and I've been on Mat Leave. Why not? My friend hooked me up with it and for that I'm totally grateful. She could not have known the experience that would ensue. Needless to say, I got the boot, not really surprising. Hawking baby crap is the antithesis of what I am but money is money and I'm not above selling my soul for a few bucks. Or selling my body. What a sec, who said that?
I may have mentioned , on live TV, that I was going to drink wine out of my sons sippy cup, but in my defense it was in Winnipeg and I was just trying to be relateable. In Vancouver I may have mentioned some people are really into thumb sucking...like a fetish, so I can see how they figured I wasn't a good "fit". They were totally right to fire me. My loving husband tells me that I'm not allowed to come on this blog and speak negatively of Scabies R' Pus. He's right, we could get sued. So that being said I will say only positive things of the company. For example, Scabies R' Pus does a great job at saving money on travel, using only the most economical hotels for business travel.As well, Scabies R' Pus does an AMAZING job at avoiding employee obesity by limiting their food and drink Per Diem to as little as humanly possible. If you're an employee of Scabies R'Pus it's probably less painful than being Rob Fords wife during intercourse.
Is it wrong that the baby is in bed and I'm drinking scotch? Butch? Yes. Delicious? Absolutely. I have to honestly say that not drinking while pregnant was really challenging. Honestly, hardest 5 months of my life.
Until next time.
I may have mentioned , on live TV, that I was going to drink wine out of my sons sippy cup, but in my defense it was in Winnipeg and I was just trying to be relateable. In Vancouver I may have mentioned some people are really into thumb sucking...like a fetish, so I can see how they figured I wasn't a good "fit". They were totally right to fire me. My loving husband tells me that I'm not allowed to come on this blog and speak negatively of Scabies R' Pus. He's right, we could get sued. So that being said I will say only positive things of the company. For example, Scabies R' Pus does a great job at saving money on travel, using only the most economical hotels for business travel.As well, Scabies R' Pus does an AMAZING job at avoiding employee obesity by limiting their food and drink Per Diem to as little as humanly possible. If you're an employee of Scabies R'Pus it's probably less painful than being Rob Fords wife during intercourse.
Is it wrong that the baby is in bed and I'm drinking scotch? Butch? Yes. Delicious? Absolutely. I have to honestly say that not drinking while pregnant was really challenging. Honestly, hardest 5 months of my life.
Until next time.
Friday, February 4, 2011
It's in a name
I've discovered that even though I live in the city, I am far from urban. How did I come to this conclusion? I looked at a flyer today and went to No Frills to buy the ribs that were on sale. I am officially a Mom. I'm only a heartbeat away from cutting coupons. I don't know if I'm ready to accept this harsh reality. Anyhow, let me tell you, No Frills lives up to its name; especially this one. See, not only was I at No Frills, I was at a No Frills in Scarborough.This particular No Frills really adheres to the whole "No Frill" philosophy when they're hiring staff. It's like it was a prerequisite for employment to no longer have even one of your original teeth. I felt like I had walked into a needle exchange program. Where do they find these women? Normally I enjoy grocery shopping. It's one of the few domestic chores that I genuinely enjoy. I usually go to Loblaws or Sobeys where the lighting isn't too harsh, the music plays gently over the speakers and the aisles are wide and inviting.The cashiers are pleasant or at least without a criminal record. I sound like I'm being a bit hard on this No Frills, but you should seriously go have a look at these cashiers. It's where cashiers go to die, I'm sure of it. The beast that was checking me out looked to be around 65-ish. She smiles at the baby and makes baby noises at him. I stand there awkwardly. I give my obligatory remark, "Oh, do you have children?"
"Yes", she answers, "but they're all grown up." I say, "Oh that's nice."
She responds, "One is 5 and the other is 7." Whaaaaa? Unless she had some incredible fertility treatments (which something tells me she hasn't) that means that you're probably only in your 40's. Smoke another cigarette lady, it's really working for you.
In other news, Dexter is 10 months old and beyond cute. Kissing and crawling and being hilarious. It's more work now, I mean you really have to keep an eye on him instead of an eye on him and an eye on the bottle of wine, which is what I've been doing up to this point. I like to make sure that the wine is always behaving itself. Anyhow, he puts EVERYTHING in his mouth so I've had to pick up all of the bread crumbs that I leave for myself so that I don't get lost.When we were in the Domincan Republic, Dex was crawling around the floor. I see him put something in his mouth and say, "Will, he's got something in his mouth, can you please take it out?" Will puts his hand in and pulls out..... a beetle. Gross! He put a freaking beetle in his mouth! I started to freak thinking he could have some weird Domincan beetle poisoning but that wasn't the case.
A couple of weeks ago I was in The Home Depot...cruisin' for dudes. This guy who works there came up and started cooing at the baby. He says to me, "You know, you have to be careful, babies put everything in their mouth." Thanks Dr.Spock.
"I have a 2 year old, and when he was this age, he picked up a razor blade and put it in his mouth. I had to very slowly extract it, using all of my concentration."
Holy shit! First things first, Dale from Home Depot, why the hell do you have razor blades lying around your floor? Did you just happen to lose one while you were shaving, running through the living room? Were you making a pinata and had butter fingers that day? If you have razor blades lying around the floor willy nilly, yes, willy nilly, you have bigger problems than I can deal with right now....in aisle 3 at Home Depot. Honestly, what a weird story to share with a complete stranger. Anyhow, my point is, your baby may put beetles, cat food or toilet paper in their mouth but don't ever feel bad. Dale's kids are one step away from getting decapitated by a circular saw.
"Yes", she answers, "but they're all grown up." I say, "Oh that's nice."
She responds, "One is 5 and the other is 7." Whaaaaa? Unless she had some incredible fertility treatments (which something tells me she hasn't) that means that you're probably only in your 40's. Smoke another cigarette lady, it's really working for you.
In other news, Dexter is 10 months old and beyond cute. Kissing and crawling and being hilarious. It's more work now, I mean you really have to keep an eye on him instead of an eye on him and an eye on the bottle of wine, which is what I've been doing up to this point. I like to make sure that the wine is always behaving itself. Anyhow, he puts EVERYTHING in his mouth so I've had to pick up all of the bread crumbs that I leave for myself so that I don't get lost.When we were in the Domincan Republic, Dex was crawling around the floor. I see him put something in his mouth and say, "Will, he's got something in his mouth, can you please take it out?" Will puts his hand in and pulls out..... a beetle. Gross! He put a freaking beetle in his mouth! I started to freak thinking he could have some weird Domincan beetle poisoning but that wasn't the case.
A couple of weeks ago I was in The Home Depot...cruisin' for dudes. This guy who works there came up and started cooing at the baby. He says to me, "You know, you have to be careful, babies put everything in their mouth." Thanks Dr.Spock.
"I have a 2 year old, and when he was this age, he picked up a razor blade and put it in his mouth. I had to very slowly extract it, using all of my concentration."
Holy shit! First things first, Dale from Home Depot, why the hell do you have razor blades lying around your floor? Did you just happen to lose one while you were shaving, running through the living room? Were you making a pinata and had butter fingers that day? If you have razor blades lying around the floor willy nilly, yes, willy nilly, you have bigger problems than I can deal with right now....in aisle 3 at Home Depot. Honestly, what a weird story to share with a complete stranger. Anyhow, my point is, your baby may put beetles, cat food or toilet paper in their mouth but don't ever feel bad. Dale's kids are one step away from getting decapitated by a circular saw.
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