Upper cut Upper cut

So I shaved my legs. Annoying. I guess it's better than shaving my face every day. I mean I only have to do that every now and then.
Dexter is 6 months and we're right in the midst of letting him "cry it out" at night. Up until this point, he's been getting up once a night and one of us has had to go in and just soothe him back to sleep. Anyhow, that was enough of that so we are currently on day two of letting him cry it out at night. I don't know who or what this whole Ferberizer thing is, I may have smoked weed out of one in University, all I know is that we've made the decision and we're sticking with it. The first night he cried for about an hour and 15 minutes, last night 30 minutes. I thought I would DIE when we had to do this but the wine and ear plugs are doing their job and I haven't really laid in bed bawling, like I thought I would.I wanted some valium too but apparantly you're not supposed to give that to babies.Obviously that's a joke but while we're on the topic I have an open request to science. Science, can you please figure out something harmless to give babies to make them sleep? Stop working on cloning sheep and get your shit together. Stupid science.
Here's the thing, maybe it's not that "nice" to let your baby cry in the middle of the night, but you know what else isn't nice? Having Super Nanny come to your home and make you some busted ass schedule while she tells you how incompetent you are. This baby is going to sleep for 12 hours a night, in his own bed, if it's the last thing I do.
As a new Mom, you have to quickly adapt to a brand new lifestyle. Before Dex, I had 31 years of just pretty much doing what I wanted and being amazing. Yes, it's super cool hanging out with Dex and seeing him grow, but I would be lying if I didn't say that there are times when I get a bit squirrly. It's not even that I need people to hang out with or anything, I just need to do something that has nothing to do with baby and everything to do with me. I don't think there's anything wrong with being a bit selfish. As a matter of fact, I think it's a bit good for kids, especially when you only have one. I've never been a mathematician but I have an equation: Too Much Attention = Spoiled Kid.
So I went to the gym and did this mixed martial arts class and left Dexter in the gym daycare a.k.a germ warfare. There were about 4 babies and 6 toddlers snotting around and licking everything. It was awesome. This is how you build an air tight immune system, Dexter is going to be like the bionic baby.So in this class you do a lot of kicking and punching. I was really into it and punching the shit out of an imaginary opponent. Jab , jab, jab, kick kick kick!
"HEY LADIES! CAN YOU FEEL THE BURN IN YOUR BUTT!?!?!"
My inside voice: " I can feel the jiggle in it."
"DO YOU WANT THIS?"
My inside voice: "I want plastic surgery instead"
"C'MON! I WANNA SEE YOU SWEAT!"
My inside voice: "I wanna see you die"
So there I am jumping and sweating and having a great time when I go and throw a solid right upper cut....right into my chin. I punched myself in the chin...hard. The craziest part about this whole fiasco? It's not the first time I've done it! I took a similar class a few years ago and punched myself so hard in the chin I thought I had bit my tongue off. The instructor even stopped the class. Anyhow, this self-inflicted punch wasn't so bad as the first time I did it. Hopefully next time I take this class I won't spaz out and nail myself again. I'm happy to take a class that teaches me how to kick some ass because I almost had to throw down at the Winners the other day. That's for the next blog.

Spoiler Alert: May be Offensive

The weather is getting cooler and we are rapidly approaching hairy leg season. There are pretty much two seasons in my world: smooth leg weather and stubbly leg weather. Who am I kidding, they're stubbly in the summer too. I try, but seriously, every day? Sometimes I wish I was a hippie....or German.
We're getting into fall and Dex is 6 months old and cute levels are reaching an all time high. It's out of control. It's also out of control that I only have 6 months left of maternity leave.Shit. Who's going to watch The Golden Girls at 2:30 in the afternoon now?

Dear people at TV Tropolis,
I'm sorry your ratings are suffering, I had to go back to work.
P.S (Consider showing re-runs of Small Wonder. Vikki was a robot well ahead of her time)

I was in Yorkville not long ago, just wasting time and people watching. I was pushing Dex in his stroller and realized I wasn't the only one. Yorkville is a hot spot for Mom's, baby buggy's congesting the streets, only these aren't the kind of baby buggy's that I have, or my friends have. These are the baby buggy's of the elite or just people who want super expensive baby buggy's. Now I don't dive into swimming pools of money every day so it's hard for me to wrap my head around spending that much money on something so temporary, for someone who really could care less, but I'm trying. To those who have these uber-expensive buggy's, please enlighten me...do they perform felatio? Can they make gelato? Do they play re-runs of Small Wonder? Listen, I know I sound judgemental but I'm trying my best not too because everyone can do whatever they want, with whatever funds they have,I know it's a personal choice. I just want to understand. I like spending money. I like spending $1000 or $1500 on travel, or home improvement or on a couple of sweet call girls and an 8 ball of blow, but I don't get the over-priced buggy. So anyhow, the jokes on me because as I was over analyzing the banality of expensive strollers I was too busy staring at the ladies lunching on the patio of the restaurant I passing, and walked right smack into a parking meter. Let me correct that, I ran the baby, in his stroller, right into a parking meter. Whoops. I let out a slightly hysterical laugh and took my heavily discounted Graco stroller and got the hell out of there.

Ou est la moula?

Ok, so the film festival is about to start here in Toronto and I've decided that I'm going to strap the baby in the baby bjorn and try to crash a party. What bouncer douchebag is going to turn away a woman with a baby? I'll be sure to film it.

So Will is currently on paternity leave for a couple of weeks which is awesome. His work tops him up to 80% of his salary, my company does not. That is why I steal. Anyhow, I travel to the States a lot with my work and while preggers and in the U.S, I realized how much better we have it up here compared to them. Getting a year off and paid about $1600 a month from the government is a pretty good deal. HOWEVER, it's not even remotely as good as other countries.Sweden gives 16 months full paid leave per child. In the Czech Republic, women can stay home for 3 years with every child and are supported by the state, the entire time! It's probably a bitch moving up in the corporate world as a woman in the Czech Republic, I imagine.Guess what they get in the States? 12 weeks. 12 weeks and not a dime. I wonder where they find the time to get so fat? Just kidding Americans. Please don't shoot.
Anyhow, we've spent lots of time at the cottage since Will has been off and the baby loves it. As he is a product of Will and I he's pretty white. Almost translucent. You're not supposed to put baby sunscreen on a baby until they're 6 months so I just made sure he was in the shade and wore a hat the whole time. I swear he got about 5 minutes of sun and his little arm was a bit burnt. Woops! So I've decided that sunscreen is probably better than a sunburn so now he's all oiled up with Hawaiian Tropic oil. He's getting ready for a role on The Jersey Shore. Speaking of which, can you believe Angelina and Vinny? HIOHHHHH!
Dex is almost 6 months and I think soon it'll be time for him to leave the Breast-aurant. He's sort of playing with them now and it's weirding me out so in a couple of weeks I'm going to somehow figure out how to stop breast feeding without my boobs getting engorged. There's two words I never thought I would have to put together: boobs and engorged. Isn't it so weird that we all fed off of our mother's breasts? I know I'm supposed to say it's so amazing and magical but I'm sorry, it is kinda weird. Milk comes out of my nipples. Sometimes it's a Shiraz, other times a Merlot. Speaking of which, it'll be nice to be able to have more than 1 or 2 glasses of wine. Je t'aime le vino. To be honest, I 'm just pretty proud that I was able to do it at all. In the beginning it was THE WORST but then your nipples become like horses reins (as in leather and tough) and you're good to go. Sexy eh? Until next time.

People vs. Dogs

First of all, I forgot to shave my right leg. Just realized it.

Anyhow, Dexter is a little over 5 months now and cute levels are at an all time high, I can't take it. Having a cute baby, I am often stopped by strangers in the grocery store, or drug store or somewhere, and they talk to the baby. Sure, it's friendly and I'm polite but truthfully, I'm beginning to find the whole thing a bit weird. Don't get me wrong, I like people and I have no problem talking but it's the way in which I have to communicate that is starting to weird me out. Here's the thing, I have to talk for the baby. Here's an example: "Ohhhhh, how cute. And what's your name?" Me: "His name is Dexter." "Ohhhhh, and how old are you?" Me: "He's 5 months". "Ohhhhhhhhh. What a cutie. And you crawling yet Dexter?" Me: "No he's not but he's writing Arabic and speaking Latin like a priest."
It's just that when you have a baby, you're forced to talk to people you really have no desire to. It's probably the same for people with puppies. I sound like an uppity beatch but I'm ok with that. You know who I like talking to? Crazy people. Crazy people have all sorts of interesting things to say. In fact, I was once recited a poem all about farting by a crazy person. Now if someone came up to me and Dex and said, "Hey lady with cute baby, can I recite you a poem about farting?" No hesitation. Yes. Of effing course.

Short but sweet. Next blog hear about how Dexter managed to get one sunburned arm. Whoops.