Now what did I forget?

Here's the thing about becoming a parent. Everyone says, "Oh your life changes sooo much" and "It'll never be the same" and "it's so much work" which if you don't have kids, isn't really a great sales pitch. If you've never worked a hard day in your life, well then it might seem overwhelming, but if you're not a total pussy, then it's just a nice extension of what your life already was. There is definitely one thing that's changed for me and that's how I view my parents. You suddenly realize just how much they love you and then you immediately feel like an asshole for ever being a teenager. Another thing that's changed for me is actually thinking about my own mortality. Who ever thinks of dying? Weirdo's that's who. But when you have a kid you suddenly have to think about what would happen if you, or both of you, die. Creepy right? Well I've decided that if I have to go, I want to go like a fruitfly: drowning in a glass of red wine.

Speaking of your life changing, it's not totally unreasonable for you to forget that you have a kid in the first couple of months. Or at least that's what I've convinced myself of. I forgot Dexter the other day in a moment of panic. Here's what happened.
I went to this used kids toy store to get him one of these exer-saucer thingy's. As a side bar, we have a semi-detached house in East Toronto and all of this baby shit is seriously taking up too much room, but I digress.
So I'm on the back deck cleaning this thing because it smelled like rotten cottage cheese. I had the door out to the deck open and we don't have a screen. I feel this thing whizz by me and hit the window of the door. I thought it was one of those crazy giant moths. Ever seen one of those things? They look prehistoric and what's up with the powder on their wings? I'm going to try and snort it. Anyhow, I look to see if this teradactyl like moth has flown into the house and what do I see? A freaking bird! This bird is in our living room and totally freaking out! It's flying around and hitting into the walls and the windows trying to escape. So I naturally go running out of the house screaming. I mean honestly, maybe if I lived in Avonlea I wouldn't have minded a bird flying around the living room but this is Toronto and it's a city bird with city problems and I have no desire to touch that mess. So I see my neighbors car in her driveway and knew she grew up on a farm (assuming farm people are used to catching live fowl) so I went and banged on her door. No answer. As I'm standing there waiting for her to show up I feel like I'm missing something. My cell phone? Nope, that's not it. The iPod? Nope, still not it. OH SHIT! THE BABY! Dexter was sitting in his Bumbo in the kitchen while the bird was having a spaz in the living room. Keep in mind this isn't a big house so basically Dex was in close proximity to the enemy. Shit, now I have to run back in to save the baby from what seemed like a bald eagle to my frantic imagination. I run in the house screaming,grab the baby and peek in the living room. Yup, now it's the size of a crane and it's bashing itself into the window over and over again. I run back to the neighbors front door only to realize no one is home. Eff. Am I going to have to deal with this man eating bird on my own? I spot a man two doors down doing some carpentry out on their driveway. He was a contractor renovating my neighbors house. I run up to him, baby in tow and tell him there's a bird flying around my house. Can you help? He responds, 'What kind of bird?" Holy shit! As if I know. I skipped that class on school that focused on the birds of Ontario. Unless it's been a mascot for an Ontario sports team, I'm lost. He comes into the house, goes right up to the thing (which is now seriously spazzing out) and just as easy as anything, scoops it into his hands and says to me, "It's only a sparrow". Well la-de-da Steve Irwin. I thanked him and offered him sex but he refused.
That was the first time I've forgotten I have a child but at least I didn't leave him for to long. I'm the youngest of four and when I was a baby my Mom took my older siblings to the grocery store and about 15 minutes into the drive my brother said, "Mom, where's the baby?" I was on the kitchen counter. So my Mom lit up a smoke in the car, turned around and got me. I love the 70's.

Festival and Freaks

So last time we left off with a story from Montreal from 2 weeks ago. The rest of the weekend was awesome. I have to admit, bringing Dexter (as a 4 month old) to a music festival in another province, had me a bit anxious but once we got to the venue and got all sorted out, all of my nerves went away. The music was amazing. Two days of incredible weather, company and live music was pretty much the highlight of the summer. Dexter was so cute in his big blue headphones to protect his little ears, he was like a goddamn celebrity. When Will put him in the baby bjorn to go and see Major Lazer with the guys, there were more pictures taken of Dex than of Lindsey Lohan's crotch. Hilariously, Dex fell asleep during Major Lazer. He was waaay more into Snoop Dog, probably because he's so West Coast. Anyhow, he was really good and didn't have any meltdown's until the last 2 hours of the car ride home but I was having a meltdown too. I may have spent too much time in the Holiday Inn hottub because it felt like my skin was crawling. Anyhoo, no topical diseases to speak of (this time) and the weekend was awesome. The best part about it was realizing that taking your baby or kid out of the comfort zone is always going to be ok. Even when you think it's a bit over the top, it'll always work out in the end and if you're still anxious when it's happening....drink more.
Ok, on to last week. To let you know, I do some voice work and I was lucky enough to get sent on a couple of auditions last week. Up until this point, Will had always just come with me and sat in the car with Dex because the auditions only take 15 minutes or so. Anyhow, I decided just to take him in with me and figured I would get the receptionist or someone else who was auditioning to hold him while I went in. In hindsight I probably shouldn't really leave my baby with strangers but I try to assume the best rather than the worst. So there's about 3 other women in there waiting to audition and they all go bananas over Dex because he's a baby and women are genetically bread to instantly assume their best baby voice when a baby enters the picture. Can we talk about the baby voice for a minute? We all do it and none of us realizes just how ridiculous we sound while using our baby voice because we're just caught up in the cuteness of the baby and the moment. I am going to record the way I speak to Dex just to listen to what a moron I sound like afterwards. Imagine going into a interview and introducing yourself in the voice you use to talk to you baby or niece or nephew or whatever? The same could be said for your dog voice. We just think that babies and animals need to be spoken to like someones got your balls in a vice; 3 octaves higher with a subtle hint of crazy. Anyhow, back to the audition. This one actress is really the loud one out of the group and is asking me all sorts of questions about the baby and making faces and using her baby voice which sort of sounded a bit like Liza Minelli after some Vicoden and gin. Needless to say, Dex wasn't responding to her very well. She looks up at me and says, "He's never been here before." I was a bit caught of guard and stammered, "Uhhh, no he's not. I've never brought him to an audtion before. He's definitely never been here." "No" she responds "He's never been here before." Ok. Again I say, "Yup, this is his first time at a voice audition." She shakes her head and says, "What I'm saying is he's a new soul." Ohhhhhh riggght. We were talking about reincarnation! Duhhh, how silly of me not to have first gone right to reincarnation.What a rookie conversation mistake! She's nodding her head at me like she's just figured out how to cap the oil well and I just say, "Right well ...sure." There are very few times where I'm at a loss for words but Shirley McLean here managed to stump me. Here's the thing, I think there's something to be said for reincarnation but when a wide eyed voice actress thinks she can read into your babies past lives, it's a bit funny. I didn't leave Dex with her while I auditioned.