I got Dark Roasted

I don't know if it's because Juliette is exceptionally cute (obviously) or if this stuff happens to everyone, but this happened to me the other day. I took the kids to Tim Hortons for breakfast one Saturday morning, because only the best for my kids! Juliette is a little over 1 1/2 so she pretty much never sits still. So she's kind of dancing around being cute as hell. This man, probably in his late 50's early 60's (in other word, HOT) is smiling at her as he's approaching and she's smiling back. He talks in a super weird baby voice to her for a few minutes asking her questions, which I clearly have to answer. This, in itself is weird enough. Some salty dog is pretending to hold a conversation with a toddler who I then have to answer. And he refuses to drop the baby voice. You know what, I'm going to start doing this to adults. I'm going to go up to some 30-something couple and start coo-ing at how cute the man is and then ask the woman how old he is, what his name is and if he's a good boy. Anyhow, this is happening and then out of nowhere he looks at me, very seriously, and says, "Kids are precious." "Oh aren't they?" I reply whilst chomping into a dirty Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich. "My wife and I LOVE kids. Unfortunately we couldn't have any." Ah shit, I think. Here we go. "Have you tried the dark roast?" I ask, "In my mind I feel like it tastes better but it's probably just the same coffee." "Yes, my wife is baron." "Your wife's a baron? I think you meant baroness, good sir." I didn't really say that. I wish. I'm not saying that this is a funny or light matter, not being able to have kids, I mean. I'm not THAT much of an a-hole. The funny part of this is that a Captain Highligner look-a-like just told me his infertility problems within, no kidding, 35 seconds of meeting me. How am I supposed to respond to that? I don't know if you can tell by the tone of this blog, but I am not a serious person so when I stranger tells me something incredibly personal and serious, I start to sweat and when I start to sweat things start smelling a bit like bacon. So I just do one of those sympathetic nods and "hmmmmmm's," while pretty much eating the breakfast sandwich in two bites. Dear Tim Hortons: make those things bigger. So anyhow, he looks at the ground for a second and I'm thinking, shit, he's going to cry. Which I am definitely not prepared to deal with. But he doesn't. Thank eff. Instead He comes close to me, puts his hand on my shoulder, which I slowly gazed towards and while I'm staring at his hand on my shoulder he tells me to enjoy every moment with these kids. I seriously felt like he was going to tell me to go and say 4 hail mary's and 3 our fathers. I still have weird catholic confession throw back moments. Anyhow, at this point Juliette had gotten a timbit from somewhere - I seriously have no idea where it came from, and I said "Amen" to the stranger and off he went. He was just being friendly and thought the kids were cute, but seriously Eff off weirdo. I'm just trying to quietly give my kids diabetes here.

A List

Here are some things I've learned after nearly 5 years of motherhood: 1. You will insert a tampon while your child watches. If they start looking horrified when you're doing it, it's time to kick them out. 2. If you have a boy, you will sit on piss nearly every day of your life until they figure out that they A) have to lift up the toilet seat or B) hit the goddamn water. 3. Your child will say Fuck, shit, damn and Jesus at an inopportune time. This is your fault. 4. You will clean shit off of every thing you can possibly imagine. This not only includes body parts but also furniture, outdoor decking, the car and if you're lucky, the cat. 5. The cat or dog becomes an annoying pain in the ass and you will feel guilty ignoring it but you'll still ignore it. 6. You'll try to get down while your kid has a nap but will always be listening for the kid to wake up and will thus, not enjoy it as much. 7. You'll actually get down while your kid has a nap and that kid will wake up and you'll jump off each other and run around naked, trying to figure out what to do. It will end with a towel and an attempt at hiding a boner. 8. When your kid gets old enough, you'll learn to somehow respond to constant questions and nattering while doing 8 other things. 9. You will discover that having a hangover and small children is fucking torture. 10.You will discover that you drink more regularly, but just enough not to induce a hangover. 11.You will suddenly realize how little you know when your child asks you simple questions about Canada's history. 12. Explaining every little detail about how Santa Claus works, is exhausting. 13. Christmas becomes way more awesome. 14. Actually every little thing that you haven't done since you were a kid, becomes awesome. Like tobogganing. 15. If you have a girl, you will be kind of grossed out by what comes out of her vagina when she's born. Gross. 16. There's a fairly good chance you'll get into a heated discussion with some hippie about vaccinations. No matter what happens, remind them that polio was eradicated and it's their fault it's back. 17. You thought you would never let your kid use the ipad, because "we didn't have that when we were growing up and we're fine!". Then at 5 am you don't give a shit about what you had. Just a few thoughts. In other news, we're going down to New Zealand with the kids. 18 hour flight, Juliette is free so she doesn't have a seat which means she'll have to be on our laps the whole time. I will do my best to chronicle the journey but I may just roofie myself instead.