ma ma ma muffin top ma ma muffin top (to the tune of Poker Face)

When I was pregnant I gained the appropriate amount of weight, about 30 pounds. You really can't avoid gaining weight, it has to happen, and anyone who thinks otherwise is probably stupid or a celebrity. Your uterus gets huge, your placenta weighs a ton and of course the baby. Anyhow, I didn't totally blimp but it does take a while to get your body back to it's pre-baby form. Not that mine was anything you would see on the cover of Shape, but it's nice when your belly starts to get back to normal and you can fit into your old jeans again. For me, things have been happening as they should. I still looked 5 months preggers for the first couple of weeks but of course everything starts shrinking back to normal. I still have a sweet carrot muffin top but when I stop breastfeeding, that should go away (for the most part) too. Here's the thing. Whoever created the term "muffin top" is an evil genius because it really is the best way to descibe that awful flab that so attractively overhangs your jeans. The old term, "Love Handles" wasn't nearly as suitable because it just wasn't true. If they were called "Hate Handles", then that would be ok but who the eff loves those handles? You can come up with any kind of cutesy phrase you want (more cushion for the pushin' etc..) but at the end of the day, having the "muffin top" sucks. So having said that, I have a confession to make: I still wear maternity jeans. Yup, I'm wearing them right now and I don't give a crap. I can get into my old jeans but my chocolate chip muffin top is gross and until it's gone, I'm just not into it. I bought 2 pair of maternity skinny jeans from H&M when I was pregnant. They were 60 bucks each and I"m getting my monies worth and that's that. For those who aren't familiar with the maternity jean, these ones sit at my hips and there's a tight cloth band attached to the waist, about 3 inches in height, that pulls up over your belly. For post baby it's great because it eliminated muffin top and sucks you in a bit. These jeans should just hit the mainstream. Let's all just be a bit honest with ourselves here. No one is 16 anymore and things happen to your body post 29 (male and female). I'm not saying we're old and gross after 30, just simply that things change and low rise jeans are less sexy and more of a landing pad for that bit of pooch you've developed from 11 years of drinking. Anyhow, good on those ladies who somehow avoided the muffin top post-birth. Nice genetics. I figure I'm 3/4's of the way back to pre-birth bod but to be honest, I kind of don't care. Is that bad? I mean, I like to exercise and stay active but I also like red wine and blue cheese so if I have to choose between washboard stomach and food, the fromage wins.
On to other things. We just got back from Osheaga music festival in Montreal. We went with a bunch of friends and of course Dexter who has just turned 4 months. He's so mature.
We drove to Montreal and it was a pretty easy drive for the most part. We got to town at about 8.30 Friday night and went out for dinner in Old Montreal while Dexter slept in his buggy. On our way back to the hotel, two of the guys had to pee so they ducked off while my friend Ryan and Sue and I waited on the street. We were in what appeared to be the Regent Park of Montreal with some sketchy charcters lurking around. Anyhow, out of nowhere this short potato of a woman comes right up to me doing the crack dance. You know that dance? It's kind of like the hokey pokey but more jitty because you're high on crack. She had a baseball hat on backwards and a black t-shirt that said in bold white letters, "Fuck You You Fucking Fuck". She was a real peach. She cracks her way right up to me and says in her thick with crack voice, "Can I hold your baby? I'm just really mad and if I can hold your baby that would make me feel so much better." I replied, "Of course you can! I've never wanted anything more for my baby then to be cuddled by a person who just , moments early, had been honking on the crack pipe! Please, be sure to kiss him lots, especially on the mouth!" As if. What I really said was , "NO!" really loudly. If I had adamantean claws they would have come out. Ryan just sort of chuckled because the whole thing was just a bit too ridiculous. I wasn't scared of this crackie, I've lived in big cities long enough to have become desensitized to their unpredictable ways but I didn't want her anywhere near me or my baby so I just started to move away. She says, "It's just that I don't think I can have kids so I would just like to hold yours." Big surprise, I wonder whose fault that it? I again repeat loudly "No!". I must have really been paying attention in highschool during the No Means No assembly because although I'm pretty chatty most times, this was the only word I could come out with. She moved along and I relaxed. There was a second there I thought I would either have to fight off a crack head or just run for my life because there was no way this lunatic was getting one step closer. What's the lesson here? Know your crack areas in new cities and just avoid them, especially if you have your baby in tow. The rest of the weekend was awesome, we went to Oshega Music Festival and got back yesterday. More on that later this week! I'm moving my blog to Wordpress because it's better so I'm sure you'll all lose sleep in anticipation.

I Brought Beer to a Mommy Group

Dexter is 4 months old today! To celebrate, we're going to go to Zanzibar so he can look at some boobs. He's SUPER into boobs. Anyhow, I went to a Mommy group the other day. Here's the thing, I'm not really a Mommy group kind of a girl and I didn't really know that I was going to a Mommy group. My friend asked if I wanted to go for lunch at Monarch Park with her and her little 9 month old. It was a beautiful Friday so of course I said, "Yes". Here's the thing, my friend is great at organizing get togethers and bringing people together so maybe I should have suspected it was a Mommy group but I didn't. My friend is also not opposed to having a beer so the obvious choice of refreshments on a gorgeous Friday was obviously Sleemans's Original Draft. As I'm approaching this gaggle of babies and buggies I think, "Oh shit, should I break out the beers?" See I would like to be the kind of person who says, "I don't care what anyone thinks of me" but I do, (to a certain extent) and I immediately felt like the skid of the group for bringing beers. I noticed a lot of vitamin water and fruit as I sat down. Well I got over it pretty fast because it was EFFING HAWT and I was salivating for beer so I busted it out of diaper bag and said, "Well, it's noon so nothing wrong with drinking in a public park eh ladies?" My friend was all for it so I didn't feel totally alone in my love of the hops. Needless to say, I did get a funny look or two but that might be because I was talking about masturbation as well. You can take the girl out of East York but you can't take the East York out of the girl! It was a fun get together and I may just bring a two-four next time. I mean what cop or by-law officer is going to bust a group of Mommies for drinking in the park? If they do, we'll shoot them with our lactating guns, execution style.
Mat leave is seriously the best. My first job was at 13 at Tim Hortons and I haven't really stopped working since (with the exception of that time I was fired.....wooops!) and it's been beyond amazing having time off, not only to raise my baby but to just slow down and enjoy the city and the summer. I met Will for lunch the other day and decided just to walk around Yorkville with the baby, to see how the other half live. Yorkville is a pretty weird place, it's like walking through the Wardrobe. One minute you're just at Yonge and Bloor and the next minute you're in a mini Beverley Hills. BTW, doesn't Beverley Hills make you think of a lezbians boobs? "Hey, check out Beverley's Hills. Sweet rack on Bev eh?"
So I'm pushing the baby buggy and staring at all the interesting people with plastic surgery faces; I'm most likely slack-jawed. I should have been paying attention to where I was going because as I'm passing this super shi-shi patio of ladies lunching I run right into the effing parking meter. Of course that causes me to yelp and now all of the Tori Spelling look-a-likes are staring at me as I"m trying to to pretend that I've not just winded myself and ran my baby buggy into a stationary object. Dexter was laughing, most likely at me and I just laughed really awkwardly and loudly, like I had meant to do it, and just kept walking. I already didn't fit into Yorkville because my sunglasses are from Zellers but that definitely made me the Yorkville leper.
I must remember to take the empty beer bottle out of the bottom of the buggy. I've got to go to this church to look into the baby getting baptized. We'll discuss more about the baptizing of the baby in the next blog. Here's a preview: I can't believe I'm getting the baby baptized.

Rainbow baby

First of all, I forgot to get Dex his 2 month shots. WOOPS! I got them the other week but I must have forgotten to check the handbook that came out of me right after the placenta. Ummm, shouldn't my busted ass doctor be informing me of these things? Here's the thing, my doctor is ok. She's super young, bright and has passable hygiene(This is important to me because one time in England I honestly once went to a doctor who looked homeless) What I'm saying is, she's good on paper but as a family doctor she's cold, kind of weird and I think slightly judgemental. I made the mistake of telling her that Dex sleeps on his stomach and she was super pissed at me. I responded with , "It's ok, don't worry about it, it's how he sleeps so that's all there is to it." She was carrying on about "Studies show that..." blah blah blah but the problem is, she has yet to have any children so she's all text book and no experience. Of course the same could be said for anything, I mean you don't need to have herpes to know how to treat it. Everyone knows you're supposed to put yogurt on them. Anyhow, when I was suffering from the nip blisters I went to another doctor in the office and she was THE BEST! So warm and kind and really easy to talk to. She's also a mother and had tons of real life advice for me. So, how do you dump your doctor for another when they're in the same practice? Maybe I"ll use that whole, "It's not you, it's me" thingy. I"ll tell her I'm having impure thoughts about her and don't think it's ethical that she gives me paps. I dunno, it's a problem.
Needless to say, I CAN'T forget his 4 month shots so someone remind me when it's the 20th of July ok?
Speaking of summer, Will and I brought Dex to Gay Pride here in Toronto. We made him this super cute onesie that says: "I Love My Gay Uncles" and brought him into his first ever beer tent. They grow up so fast! Anyhow, at first I was a bit apprehensive thinking, "should I really be bringing my 3 1/2 month old baby to a beer tent at Pride?" but then that thought passed as I looked around and saw so many people having such a good time, loving one another no matter gender, race or religion. If there's ever a beer tent to bring your baby to, the one's at Pride are it. Anyhow, Dex drools like a camel these days so instead of putting a demeaning bib around his neck, we've been putting little kerchiefs on him. Bibs are lame and for total babies. I get Dex and the stroller into the tent and by brother-in-law Brad says, "Nice kerchief Lar, you know what that means don't you?" Suprisingly, I didn't. He then informs me that in the gay culture, some may look at a red kercheif around the neck as a symbol. A symbol of what, you may ask? Get ready for it....here is comes....FISTING! Yup, we looked it up on Brads Blackberry and apparantly a red kerchief to the right means you're a fister and one to the left means you're the fistee. Dex's was to the right (thank God!). Now I don't know many gay men that subscribe to this theory but apparantly it's a thing. So I've got a fister bib on my baby at a beer tent at Pride. No harm done though, I mean you should have seen the numbers he got! Total stud. So we hung out for about an hour and then took off. The music was so loud I was actually afraid that Dex's hearing would be damaged and I would have to tell the hearing specialist it was because we were too close to the drag queen singing Gloria Gayner's "I Will Survive". Speaking of hearing, I just ordered Dexter these little baby headphone earmuffs because we're going to Osheaga in a couple of weeks. That's this music festival in Montreal. Now I"m not telling you this because I'm some super cool hipster that brings her babies to music festivals, quite frankly this is a bit of a selfish move because Will and I really want to go to this festival and we have a baby so he's coming along.Total buzz kill. HA! Just joking obviously. We'll see how it goes, it's definitly going to be a different experience from most music festivals I've been to in the past and not exactly relaxing but what the hell. Might as well give it a shot. I'll just have to do my best to try and not flash Snoop Dogg when he's on stage. Anyhow these mofo headphones better get here on time otherwise I'll be stressed out. Until next time.
Larissa Primeau
M.O.Y (mother of the year)