Festival and Freaks

So last time we left off with a story from Montreal from 2 weeks ago. The rest of the weekend was awesome. I have to admit, bringing Dexter (as a 4 month old) to a music festival in another province, had me a bit anxious but once we got to the venue and got all sorted out, all of my nerves went away. The music was amazing. Two days of incredible weather, company and live music was pretty much the highlight of the summer. Dexter was so cute in his big blue headphones to protect his little ears, he was like a goddamn celebrity. When Will put him in the baby bjorn to go and see Major Lazer with the guys, there were more pictures taken of Dex than of Lindsey Lohan's crotch. Hilariously, Dex fell asleep during Major Lazer. He was waaay more into Snoop Dog, probably because he's so West Coast. Anyhow, he was really good and didn't have any meltdown's until the last 2 hours of the car ride home but I was having a meltdown too. I may have spent too much time in the Holiday Inn hottub because it felt like my skin was crawling. Anyhoo, no topical diseases to speak of (this time) and the weekend was awesome. The best part about it was realizing that taking your baby or kid out of the comfort zone is always going to be ok. Even when you think it's a bit over the top, it'll always work out in the end and if you're still anxious when it's happening....drink more.
Ok, on to last week. To let you know, I do some voice work and I was lucky enough to get sent on a couple of auditions last week. Up until this point, Will had always just come with me and sat in the car with Dex because the auditions only take 15 minutes or so. Anyhow, I decided just to take him in with me and figured I would get the receptionist or someone else who was auditioning to hold him while I went in. In hindsight I probably shouldn't really leave my baby with strangers but I try to assume the best rather than the worst. So there's about 3 other women in there waiting to audition and they all go bananas over Dex because he's a baby and women are genetically bread to instantly assume their best baby voice when a baby enters the picture. Can we talk about the baby voice for a minute? We all do it and none of us realizes just how ridiculous we sound while using our baby voice because we're just caught up in the cuteness of the baby and the moment. I am going to record the way I speak to Dex just to listen to what a moron I sound like afterwards. Imagine going into a interview and introducing yourself in the voice you use to talk to you baby or niece or nephew or whatever? The same could be said for your dog voice. We just think that babies and animals need to be spoken to like someones got your balls in a vice; 3 octaves higher with a subtle hint of crazy. Anyhow, back to the audition. This one actress is really the loud one out of the group and is asking me all sorts of questions about the baby and making faces and using her baby voice which sort of sounded a bit like Liza Minelli after some Vicoden and gin. Needless to say, Dex wasn't responding to her very well. She looks up at me and says, "He's never been here before." I was a bit caught of guard and stammered, "Uhhh, no he's not. I've never brought him to an audtion before. He's definitely never been here." "No" she responds "He's never been here before." Ok. Again I say, "Yup, this is his first time at a voice audition." She shakes her head and says, "What I'm saying is he's a new soul." Ohhhhhh riggght. We were talking about reincarnation! Duhhh, how silly of me not to have first gone right to reincarnation.What a rookie conversation mistake! She's nodding her head at me like she's just figured out how to cap the oil well and I just say, "Right well ...sure." There are very few times where I'm at a loss for words but Shirley McLean here managed to stump me. Here's the thing, I think there's something to be said for reincarnation but when a wide eyed voice actress thinks she can read into your babies past lives, it's a bit funny. I didn't leave Dex with her while I auditioned.

ma ma ma muffin top ma ma muffin top (to the tune of Poker Face)

When I was pregnant I gained the appropriate amount of weight, about 30 pounds. You really can't avoid gaining weight, it has to happen, and anyone who thinks otherwise is probably stupid or a celebrity. Your uterus gets huge, your placenta weighs a ton and of course the baby. Anyhow, I didn't totally blimp but it does take a while to get your body back to it's pre-baby form. Not that mine was anything you would see on the cover of Shape, but it's nice when your belly starts to get back to normal and you can fit into your old jeans again. For me, things have been happening as they should. I still looked 5 months preggers for the first couple of weeks but of course everything starts shrinking back to normal. I still have a sweet carrot muffin top but when I stop breastfeeding, that should go away (for the most part) too. Here's the thing. Whoever created the term "muffin top" is an evil genius because it really is the best way to descibe that awful flab that so attractively overhangs your jeans. The old term, "Love Handles" wasn't nearly as suitable because it just wasn't true. If they were called "Hate Handles", then that would be ok but who the eff loves those handles? You can come up with any kind of cutesy phrase you want (more cushion for the pushin' etc..) but at the end of the day, having the "muffin top" sucks. So having said that, I have a confession to make: I still wear maternity jeans. Yup, I'm wearing them right now and I don't give a crap. I can get into my old jeans but my chocolate chip muffin top is gross and until it's gone, I'm just not into it. I bought 2 pair of maternity skinny jeans from H&M when I was pregnant. They were 60 bucks each and I"m getting my monies worth and that's that. For those who aren't familiar with the maternity jean, these ones sit at my hips and there's a tight cloth band attached to the waist, about 3 inches in height, that pulls up over your belly. For post baby it's great because it eliminated muffin top and sucks you in a bit. These jeans should just hit the mainstream. Let's all just be a bit honest with ourselves here. No one is 16 anymore and things happen to your body post 29 (male and female). I'm not saying we're old and gross after 30, just simply that things change and low rise jeans are less sexy and more of a landing pad for that bit of pooch you've developed from 11 years of drinking. Anyhow, good on those ladies who somehow avoided the muffin top post-birth. Nice genetics. I figure I'm 3/4's of the way back to pre-birth bod but to be honest, I kind of don't care. Is that bad? I mean, I like to exercise and stay active but I also like red wine and blue cheese so if I have to choose between washboard stomach and food, the fromage wins.
On to other things. We just got back from Osheaga music festival in Montreal. We went with a bunch of friends and of course Dexter who has just turned 4 months. He's so mature.
We drove to Montreal and it was a pretty easy drive for the most part. We got to town at about 8.30 Friday night and went out for dinner in Old Montreal while Dexter slept in his buggy. On our way back to the hotel, two of the guys had to pee so they ducked off while my friend Ryan and Sue and I waited on the street. We were in what appeared to be the Regent Park of Montreal with some sketchy charcters lurking around. Anyhow, out of nowhere this short potato of a woman comes right up to me doing the crack dance. You know that dance? It's kind of like the hokey pokey but more jitty because you're high on crack. She had a baseball hat on backwards and a black t-shirt that said in bold white letters, "Fuck You You Fucking Fuck". She was a real peach. She cracks her way right up to me and says in her thick with crack voice, "Can I hold your baby? I'm just really mad and if I can hold your baby that would make me feel so much better." I replied, "Of course you can! I've never wanted anything more for my baby then to be cuddled by a person who just , moments early, had been honking on the crack pipe! Please, be sure to kiss him lots, especially on the mouth!" As if. What I really said was , "NO!" really loudly. If I had adamantean claws they would have come out. Ryan just sort of chuckled because the whole thing was just a bit too ridiculous. I wasn't scared of this crackie, I've lived in big cities long enough to have become desensitized to their unpredictable ways but I didn't want her anywhere near me or my baby so I just started to move away. She says, "It's just that I don't think I can have kids so I would just like to hold yours." Big surprise, I wonder whose fault that it? I again repeat loudly "No!". I must have really been paying attention in highschool during the No Means No assembly because although I'm pretty chatty most times, this was the only word I could come out with. She moved along and I relaxed. There was a second there I thought I would either have to fight off a crack head or just run for my life because there was no way this lunatic was getting one step closer. What's the lesson here? Know your crack areas in new cities and just avoid them, especially if you have your baby in tow. The rest of the weekend was awesome, we went to Oshega Music Festival and got back yesterday. More on that later this week! I'm moving my blog to Wordpress because it's better so I'm sure you'll all lose sleep in anticipation.