Ou est la moula?

Ok, so the film festival is about to start here in Toronto and I've decided that I'm going to strap the baby in the baby bjorn and try to crash a party. What bouncer douchebag is going to turn away a woman with a baby? I'll be sure to film it.

So Will is currently on paternity leave for a couple of weeks which is awesome. His work tops him up to 80% of his salary, my company does not. That is why I steal. Anyhow, I travel to the States a lot with my work and while preggers and in the U.S, I realized how much better we have it up here compared to them. Getting a year off and paid about $1600 a month from the government is a pretty good deal. HOWEVER, it's not even remotely as good as other countries.Sweden gives 16 months full paid leave per child. In the Czech Republic, women can stay home for 3 years with every child and are supported by the state, the entire time! It's probably a bitch moving up in the corporate world as a woman in the Czech Republic, I imagine.Guess what they get in the States? 12 weeks. 12 weeks and not a dime. I wonder where they find the time to get so fat? Just kidding Americans. Please don't shoot.
Anyhow, we've spent lots of time at the cottage since Will has been off and the baby loves it. As he is a product of Will and I he's pretty white. Almost translucent. You're not supposed to put baby sunscreen on a baby until they're 6 months so I just made sure he was in the shade and wore a hat the whole time. I swear he got about 5 minutes of sun and his little arm was a bit burnt. Woops! So I've decided that sunscreen is probably better than a sunburn so now he's all oiled up with Hawaiian Tropic oil. He's getting ready for a role on The Jersey Shore. Speaking of which, can you believe Angelina and Vinny? HIOHHHHH!
Dex is almost 6 months and I think soon it'll be time for him to leave the Breast-aurant. He's sort of playing with them now and it's weirding me out so in a couple of weeks I'm going to somehow figure out how to stop breast feeding without my boobs getting engorged. There's two words I never thought I would have to put together: boobs and engorged. Isn't it so weird that we all fed off of our mother's breasts? I know I'm supposed to say it's so amazing and magical but I'm sorry, it is kinda weird. Milk comes out of my nipples. Sometimes it's a Shiraz, other times a Merlot. Speaking of which, it'll be nice to be able to have more than 1 or 2 glasses of wine. Je t'aime le vino. To be honest, I 'm just pretty proud that I was able to do it at all. In the beginning it was THE WORST but then your nipples become like horses reins (as in leather and tough) and you're good to go. Sexy eh? Until next time.

Lactation Nazi's

It's been a while since I've written one of these; turns out having a newborn is a lot of work. Who knew? Good thing I waited until I was 31 to have a baby, honestly I don't know how teenagers do it. By "It" I mean sex. I really want to know how teenagers are doing it these days. Has it changed? Are they better at it because of the Internet?
Anyhow, I last left off with a story about the actual birth of Dexter. After that, it was two nights in the hospital full of screaming babies and lectures from lactation consultants a.k.a lactation nazi's. I mean, I understand that they're just there to help new mother's (me) figure out how to get another human being to suckle on my nipple for the sake of food, rather than pleasure but honestly, lay off lady. I finally decided not to let them worry me when I went to this breastfeeding class on day 2 of the hospital stay and the lactation nazi running the class referred to myself and my baby as "Youse". Are you effing kidding me. I'm supposed to take advice from a person who thinks that the Youse is a word. Maybe I would consider taking her advice if I was asking her whether or not I should go and see a Poison concert or what colour to paint my double wide trailer, but anything else, she can eff off.
The other weird thing about this nazi was that although she didn't have a speech impediment, she pronounced the word "if" , as "ith". It was as though she had a speech impediment for just that word. Bottom line, she was an idiot and I eventually figured out how to breastfeed. Speaking of which, was anyone else aware of how much it would hurt in the beginning because I didn't have a clue. I guess with my pregnant glow and euphoria of having a baby, I didn't really realize that having your nipple pulled to the back of another human's throat (baby or not) is kind of uncomfortable. Never mind the fact that your nips have to adjust to the whole situation so be ready for blisters, bleeding and general sexiness. Oh ya, and how about the double breastpump? HILARIOUS! The lactation nazi made me pump my gorgeous boobies after every time I fed him to increase the flow of lava and I couldn't believe how ridiculous the pump is! Now I use it all the time but the first time you throw those fun bags into the pump, your boobs have definitely transitioned from titties to teats. When I was on a dairy farm in New Zealand, they had the EXACT same contraptions for the heffers to get their milk. I made sure to Moo every time the nazi hooked me up to it. To be honest, the joke got old after I did it twice but I kept doing it because sometimes a joke gets funny again just because you refuse to let it die. Look at Rodney Dangerfields career.
Anyhow, we brought him home and it's now been 6 weeks since he was forceped out of my amazing uterus and things are pretty good. I mean, as good as they can be really. He eats, he sleeps (kind of), he pees and poops and now he's kind of smiling a bit which is the best. I have to go for my 6 week check up which I'm not looking forward to. Honestly, after 22 hours of having roughly 14 different pairs of hands up me, I never want another doctor near my vajay ever again, but I guess I have no choice. The good news is sex is just around the corner which is a good thing. I've had some freaky sex dreams lately, the latest one involved this old lady cashier from The Metro. She wears about 500 buttons on her vest, most of them cats.
Stay tuned for more anecdotes of the first year of motherhood, told by moi.
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