A List

Here are some things I've learned after nearly 5 years of motherhood: 1. You will insert a tampon while your child watches. If they start looking horrified when you're doing it, it's time to kick them out. 2. If you have a boy, you will sit on piss nearly every day of your life until they figure out that they A) have to lift up the toilet seat or B) hit the goddamn water. 3. Your child will say Fuck, shit, damn and Jesus at an inopportune time. This is your fault. 4. You will clean shit off of every thing you can possibly imagine. This not only includes body parts but also furniture, outdoor decking, the car and if you're lucky, the cat. 5. The cat or dog becomes an annoying pain in the ass and you will feel guilty ignoring it but you'll still ignore it. 6. You'll try to get down while your kid has a nap but will always be listening for the kid to wake up and will thus, not enjoy it as much. 7. You'll actually get down while your kid has a nap and that kid will wake up and you'll jump off each other and run around naked, trying to figure out what to do. It will end with a towel and an attempt at hiding a boner. 8. When your kid gets old enough, you'll learn to somehow respond to constant questions and nattering while doing 8 other things. 9. You will discover that having a hangover and small children is fucking torture. 10.You will discover that you drink more regularly, but just enough not to induce a hangover. 11.You will suddenly realize how little you know when your child asks you simple questions about Canada's history. 12. Explaining every little detail about how Santa Claus works, is exhausting. 13. Christmas becomes way more awesome. 14. Actually every little thing that you haven't done since you were a kid, becomes awesome. Like tobogganing. 15. If you have a girl, you will be kind of grossed out by what comes out of her vagina when she's born. Gross. 16. There's a fairly good chance you'll get into a heated discussion with some hippie about vaccinations. No matter what happens, remind them that polio was eradicated and it's their fault it's back. 17. You thought you would never let your kid use the ipad, because "we didn't have that when we were growing up and we're fine!". Then at 5 am you don't give a shit about what you had. Just a few thoughts. In other news, we're going down to New Zealand with the kids. 18 hour flight, Juliette is free so she doesn't have a seat which means she'll have to be on our laps the whole time. I will do my best to chronicle the journey but I may just roofie myself instead.