Who do you have to sleep with around here to get a kid baptized?

First off, do you think the title of this blog is too much? Ok, so here's a disclaimer: I'm going to talk about religion so if you're sensitive to it then I suggest you skip this one. Here's the thing, after much deliberating,I have decided to go ahead and get Dexter baptized. My sister-in-law put it best when she said, "Do you feel as strongly about NOT getting him baptized as your parents feel about GETTING him baptized?" The answer was no, I don't so why not make them happy and just go and do it. Although I don't consider myself Catholic, they are and it's important to them so because I love them so much, I will of course do it. I see it as a nice way to get the family together to celebrate the baby.HOWEVER, these people do not make it easy. I went to a church on Kingston Road here in beautiful East York, Toronto. I had to get my original baptism certificate (huge pain in the ass) in order to even have Dex considered. Anyhow, I think we're all ready to go when the Deacon calls me up and encourages me to get him baptized at the church of which Will and I would be considered "parishinors" if we were Catholic. So now I start to lie, (a lot), to a super nice holy man. "Well, I just really love your church and it just gives me a nice feeling and I would like him to get baptized there." The truth? You were the first place I called that had any spots available in November a.k.a MO-vember and I've been growing my moustache for weeks in anticipation of this oh-so-holy event. He was so nice and kind and just wants me to raise my baby in a church that we can become a part of and all of this stuff. I feel the soles of my feet burning as the flames of hell tickle my arches. "I understand that but I feel right about this and hope that we can do it in two weeks time." He responds, "Why don't you go round this other church, attend mass and see how you feel! Then if you really believe in your heart that this is the church for you, then I would be more than happy to baptize your baby." Crap. "Ok Deacon, I'll be in touch." I get off the phone and unleash a fury of eff bombs. I call this other church and this woman was not as nice as Deacon Jerry. Me: "Hi, I'm calling to discuss baptizing our son at your church." Her: "Are you Catholic?" Me: "Yes" ouch, here come those effing flames again.
"Well are you a member at this parish?"
"No, we just moved to the neighborhood. We just came from Vancouver." Now I'm just lying for no reason and the flames are climbing up my calves.
"Well in order for your son to get baptized here we'll need your baptism certificate as well as your husbands and both of your confirmation certificates."
"Well my husband isn't Catholic."
"What is he?"
"He's sexy."
"What?"
"You heard me."
Ok, I didn't say that. I said, "He's of no religious denomination."
Silence.More silence.
"Well you 'll have to get your priest from Vancouver to send a letter to us saying you're a practicing Catholic." Which is sort of funny because right now I AM practicing to be a Catholic. I'm practicing really really hard, some might even say I'm acting the part really well. She recommends another church so I call there. This woman not only wants all of these certificates from Will and I but a bunch of stuff from my brother and sister-in-law, who are meant to be the goddparents. PLUS, they want us to come in a meet the priest and do some class. Holy crap Catholocism. This just in: You're not the most popular choice for religions these days, not sure if you read the papers, but you could stand to be a BIT more lenient with regards to who you let in. I don't think you really have the luxury to be picky. Do I have to spell it out here? Your leaders aren't exactly the barometer by which one should judge good and bad and you're giving ME a hard time? I'm seriously beginning to reconsider this whole, "make-my-parents-happy" thingy. Anyhow, hopefully this super nice Deacon will just give us the green light and fingers crossed he doesn't read this blog. By the way, I know how hypocritical it is to have my baby baptized when I don't believe at all in the religion but what the hell.

I Brought Beer to a Mommy Group

Dexter is 4 months old today! To celebrate, we're going to go to Zanzibar so he can look at some boobs. He's SUPER into boobs. Anyhow, I went to a Mommy group the other day. Here's the thing, I'm not really a Mommy group kind of a girl and I didn't really know that I was going to a Mommy group. My friend asked if I wanted to go for lunch at Monarch Park with her and her little 9 month old. It was a beautiful Friday so of course I said, "Yes". Here's the thing, my friend is great at organizing get togethers and bringing people together so maybe I should have suspected it was a Mommy group but I didn't. My friend is also not opposed to having a beer so the obvious choice of refreshments on a gorgeous Friday was obviously Sleemans's Original Draft. As I'm approaching this gaggle of babies and buggies I think, "Oh shit, should I break out the beers?" See I would like to be the kind of person who says, "I don't care what anyone thinks of me" but I do, (to a certain extent) and I immediately felt like the skid of the group for bringing beers. I noticed a lot of vitamin water and fruit as I sat down. Well I got over it pretty fast because it was EFFING HAWT and I was salivating for beer so I busted it out of diaper bag and said, "Well, it's noon so nothing wrong with drinking in a public park eh ladies?" My friend was all for it so I didn't feel totally alone in my love of the hops. Needless to say, I did get a funny look or two but that might be because I was talking about masturbation as well. You can take the girl out of East York but you can't take the East York out of the girl! It was a fun get together and I may just bring a two-four next time. I mean what cop or by-law officer is going to bust a group of Mommies for drinking in the park? If they do, we'll shoot them with our lactating guns, execution style.
Mat leave is seriously the best. My first job was at 13 at Tim Hortons and I haven't really stopped working since (with the exception of that time I was fired.....wooops!) and it's been beyond amazing having time off, not only to raise my baby but to just slow down and enjoy the city and the summer. I met Will for lunch the other day and decided just to walk around Yorkville with the baby, to see how the other half live. Yorkville is a pretty weird place, it's like walking through the Wardrobe. One minute you're just at Yonge and Bloor and the next minute you're in a mini Beverley Hills. BTW, doesn't Beverley Hills make you think of a lezbians boobs? "Hey, check out Beverley's Hills. Sweet rack on Bev eh?"
So I'm pushing the baby buggy and staring at all the interesting people with plastic surgery faces; I'm most likely slack-jawed. I should have been paying attention to where I was going because as I'm passing this super shi-shi patio of ladies lunching I run right into the effing parking meter. Of course that causes me to yelp and now all of the Tori Spelling look-a-likes are staring at me as I"m trying to to pretend that I've not just winded myself and ran my baby buggy into a stationary object. Dexter was laughing, most likely at me and I just laughed really awkwardly and loudly, like I had meant to do it, and just kept walking. I already didn't fit into Yorkville because my sunglasses are from Zellers but that definitely made me the Yorkville leper.
I must remember to take the empty beer bottle out of the bottom of the buggy. I've got to go to this church to look into the baby getting baptized. We'll discuss more about the baptizing of the baby in the next blog. Here's a preview: I can't believe I'm getting the baby baptized.