In the shit

It has been a REALLY long time since I wrote a blog about my time in the MotherHood.I pretty much fell off the blog train after Dex turned 2. It was a combination of a few things really: modelling for the website Five Foot 3 and Proud, as well as auditioning to be the next Pope. I really have no excuse but the craziness of life, and to be honest, writing about life with a 2 year old, for a year, would have been a series of me going on and on about how something that isn't even 3 feet tall can honestly make you lose your mind with both love and frustration. Maybe more frustration than love most days. We recently went on a trip to Barbados and it was one of those trips where you're sure you're going to somehow figure out a way to move your life down there and just become island folks. It occurred to me, while I was there, why everyone is so laid back and seems so nice to one another. They NEVER have to put a toddler in a fucking snowsuit. EVER. And the marijuana. The snowsuit issue has become the bain of my existence. I understand why Dex dosen't want to wear one, I don't want to wear one either but I do. Even when it's not that cold out. It's difficult to pee when you're in a one piece creme coloured snowsuit all day but I do it, because it's practical. Sometimes it's difficult showing up at business meetings while everyone waits for you to take off your one piece, belted snowsuit, but you know what, I'm not gonna freeze for them, or anyone else. Anyhow, the best move is when he plays limp when you're trying to get him into this damn thing. It's probably my own fault. It's a move I use during sex. Anyhow, I think it's during those times, when you're desperate to get out of your house, and your defiant toddler won't do anything you ask of him, when I'm closest to losing my mind. I had a neighbour, who has two young boys, ask me if I ever spank Dex. I, personally, don't spank him but it's not that I think someone is evil if they spank their kid. I got spanked and it was probably for the best. Problem with me is I suffer from a tremendous amount of Catholic guilt. Although I've nearly shaken all of the Catholic off of me, I still have a film of guilt that I just can't seem to get rid of. That, and a fear of zombies. I mean, for 13 years of Catholic education I was told that Jesus rose from the dead. Ummmm, I don't want to be the one stating the obvious here but in my books, that makes him one of the first recorded zombies. Anyhow, I don't utilize the spank method but by all means if that's your thing, I don't judge. I may have judged before I had a toddler but honestly, they can try your patience so hard that it takes everything in you not to seriously lose it. You know what also makes you want to lose it? Potty training. I had a lot of people tell me, "You'll know when they're ready". Well as a bit of a control freak I figured, "he'll be ready when I say he's ready." The best was when I took a week off to just dedicate to potty training. We were getting the car detailed downtown and I took Dex to St.Lawerence Market to kill some time. I had him in underwear because I was going with the cold turkey method, which, as a former smoker, I should have known never works. Sure enough he drops a MASSIVE deuce in between the Kosliks mustard and the cheese stand. Thankfully those two battling smells masked the toddler crap scent. Unfortunately this wasn't a solid turd. It was GROSS and I had to go to the washroom, take everything off of him because there was crap everywhere. Up his shirt, on his pants, somehow on his socks. So now I have a naked 2.5 year old in the public bathroom, which now smells like shite, who is running around singing or doing whatever. I really don't remember because I was in the midst of wrapping a pair of tiny blue underwear, (that looked like a 300 pound man had unleashed 4 weeks of eating stew in them) up in the free St Lawerence Market newspaper. This woman opens the door and sees me, covered in shit, my son, naked and covered in shit and for some reason I think I remember a bird being in the washroom. I can't be too sure. She had a slight look of horror on her face until I somehow managed to utter, "Potty training isn't going too well" at which she laughed. I'm assuming she had either been through it with a kid, or herself wasn't potty trained. I managed to get him cleaned up as best as I could but anyone who has had to clean, not so solid shit, off of a little boy knows that sometimes only a bath will get those little balls clean. Would you have ever thought, when you were bouncing around the world at 24, seeing amazing things and discovering the possibilities of your life, that cleaning poop off of tiny balls would be a real problem in your future? So then I just gave up and sure enough, about 2 weeks before his 3rd birthday, just like I had been told, Dex came up to me and said he had to poop. He told me when he was ready. I guess some advice is worth listening too. Speaking of poop, I'm about to give birth in 4 weeks. Yup, number two on the way. And a baby.