Just clean the carpet,man

It isn't unusual for someone to tell you how to parent your child. At first this is annoying and you find ways to push your anger down while (oddly) thanking some stranger for their stupid opinion. "Oh yes, thank you, I should have a scarf on her", "Thank you, I should give her something to eat" or "Thank you, I will drink this entire bottle of wine in between waking up to breastfeed and deal with my vomiting 3 year old." No one suggested that. Anyhow, it hadn't happened to me in a while, until I got our carpets cleaned the other day. This may sound like some really sneaky way to suggest we had an orgy, but we actually got our carpets cleaned. I hope this doesn't sound too snobby but lets just say Mario didn't get into the carpet cleaning business because he didn't "feel" like going to med school or finishing his MBA. Super nice guy and good at his job but lets just say, if he had another brain, it would be lonely. So Mario comes over and both children were sick and home, so to say this day of carpet cleaning and sick children was going to be annoying, is an understatement. I had also bought a couch at IKEA a few days earlier and there were huge boxes in the living room that the kids were playing with. Mario comes in, starts telling me about his ex-wife having too many hamsters (for real) and notices the boxes. "Oh man!" he says, "Let's make a car". I thought he was joking but he wasn't. He asks me to get him scissors and some tape. Of course Dex is right into it. I thought it was cute (at first) but then 30 minutes into it I'm thinking, ok Mario, what say you clean the fucking carpets. We had to go to the doctor and I left the house, with the kids, while he continued to make the car. It's not like he was getting paid by the hour so I just sort of laughed it off but the familiar feeling of stomach pit rage was starting to bubble deep within. We get home and he's now cleaning the carpets and the box car has been constructed, which was sweet. My rage has subsided....for the moment. I put Juliette down for her nap and she's whining a bit but she'll nod off. Mario comes running down the stairs. "Your baby is crying, you should go and get her". Uhhhh ok Mario, I'm thinking, what say you clean the fucking carpets. But what I say is, "Thanks Mario, she'll be ok". "I dunno" he responds, "When my daughter is sick", (he has a nine year old) "I have to stay with her till she falls asleep". Right Mario, I'm thinking, but your daughter is probably high on carpet cleaning fumes like you, but instead I say, "Thanks Mario." So he goes about his business and I proceed to put Dex down for a nap. As I go up the stairs Mario calls after me, "Try rubbing his back! That's how I get my daughter to sleep." The rage is starting to bubble again. Right Mario, I think, I'm sure you're just the worlds best Dad around what with your hopped up 9 year old who lives in a house over run with hamsters. But instead I say, "Thanks Mario." Dex settles down and I go down to my office to do some work. Dex has gotten out of bed and now Mario is screaming, "Melissa!Melissa! Your son's out of bed! TRY RUBBING HIS BACK!" The rage is now in my throat. I run upstairs and get Dex. "Try rubbing his back" Mario yells over the carpet cleaning machine, I respond, "ARE YOU NEARLY DONE?! What say you just clean the carpets." Woops. What I was thinking now has become what I've said. I love slash hate when that happens. Anyhow, I don't think he even heard a word I said as he just kept googly eyed smiling at me. Needless to say, Mario "cleaned my carpets" if you know what I mean and you should expect to see the video on an Internet near you any day now. Obviously a joke. The best part of all of this, to me, was when he took his baseball hat off and he had a complete chrome dome. This alone, is not funny, but the whole time I thought he had long hair. He had total Kim Mitchell hair from the 80's - completely bald on top but long all the way around! Amazing. He's also really good at his job and affordable so if you're in the market to get your carpets cleaned, with free parenting advice included, let me know.